Can anyone offer any advice on how to best deal with my elderly Mother of 86? She currently lives alone in the West Midlands and I live in London. I visit every third weekend at the moment and as an only child sort everything for my Mum. I have POA and cater for my Mums every care and whim. I say whim advisedly as I'm being run ragged. She has always been demanding and expects much from everyone, giving little in return. My Dad was to my mind a saint and a Lap Dog. Mum sometimes rings me up to five times a day when I'm at home and thinks nothing of picking up the 'phone to ask where she should put her fresh laundry. She is needy and I do my very best, souring every convenience, comfort and solution that I can think of to help her situation. She won't come to London to live, fair enough, and doesn't want to go into a home but laments constantly about being lonely. I know loneliness is terrible. I've been alone myself but it's pulling me apart even though I'm in London to be at the end of the 'phone it's a constant drip of torment and creates debates with my Husband and I who are newly married. He's very supportive and has a phylosophical attitude to it all. It's not much easier when I visit as I feel she might be suffering from mild dementia. The trouble is she might be taking me with her.
Any advice or similar situations?

Hi i have just in the last year found myself with an ovebearing mother and its leaving me very sad angry confused she had a hip op last xmas and 2 months previous a knee op but has not seemed to recover she says that exercise is boring but complains that the muscles are tight and cramping but refuses to do anything, i decided today to confront her which entailed her breaking down in uncontrolable sobbing saying she missed me and that she no longer felt needed or part of our family (i am married with 3 kids) she only lives 6 doors down the road and i have to drive past her house to get anywhere! in the mornings when i take my daughter to school she has for the last 18 months insisted on sitting in the window and waving you might think this is nice, but everyday! she waits and it feels like a knife in my chest as i know that she is so unhappy and would love nothing more than for me to come in and take over her life and take her on outings and shopping and do her cleaning etc she even thinks its my duty to be her chiropodist. i am drowning torn between what i should do and what i need to do to remain sane! there is so much more she does do you have and adivce or words of wisdom as i'm an only child with no family and at 72 i think she has still years in which to help herself.  

I certainly know how you feel, as my mother is demanding, so critical and ready to blame anyone for anything.( And now is certainly displaying early dementia she is definatley driving me mad.) Trouble is she has been like this as long as I can remember. Since my father died 30 years ago I became her first port of call and over the years 10 phone calls a day are not unusual, needless to say I have an answering machine, so I can monitor the call, then phone back if necessary. It sounds a bit heartless but unless you have had such constant calls you can't imagine how debilitating it is especially when most of the time she is moaning. It makes me so sad that she is so unhappy, but I try to make sure she has what she needs to remain independent as that is what she wants. She has few friends- always so critical of people, she has never been wrong in her life, everybody else is of course- she can come to live near me but she doesn't want to leave the family home, which is her choice.The family don't want to visit as she says such nasty things to them. She is terribly jealous of the time I spend with my children, even more so when I have my grandchildren but if she can't find any joy in anything (which is how it seems) then it isn't my responsibility either. I just do my best. My husband won't have her in the house.

But when I really look at her from a "professional" point of view I know there has always been something "lacking" in her. Agoraphobic, selfish, no confidence I can see all sorts of things that need addressing, perhaps councelling etc, but you can take a horse to water but can't make them drink. I have worked in mental health for many years, especially with the elderly, and I can't blame her for the way she is, but I surely don't like it either. She's 88 years old now, frail, with cancer and more demanding and often very nasty. I have developed a way of being intouch without being too intouch. Here are some suggestions.

I try and stay one night a month, that way I get to see what is really going on and do my own "assessment" of her, as if I was at work.I try to make it fun for me so we go out for a meal which is such an effort for her . I send her lots of reminders by post and by email( which she can sort of use). I have made sure she has a social worker now ( something I should have done years ago but somehow thought I should be looking after her) she has meals on wheels 3 times a week  which she moans about constantly, homecare come in twice a week, my brother has just started to stay overnight one night a week most weeks, my sister pops in a few times a week ( this results in verbal slanging matches which they both try to tell me about). I also started to give her some popular self help books and CD's, especially Paul McCkenna and Louise Hay which she enjoys and shares her insights with me ( like an ordinary mother and daughter sometimes!). She is getting more confused over the last  2 years,so a constant list of things lost or not working are easily sorted out if someone can be there to do it. My son is helping me to devise some automated reminders for me to send to her, such as take your insulin this morning, take your insulin this evening. My most sincere wish is that you can:

a) share the problem with another, start with social services.b) remember she has had her life and made her choices, don't sacrifice your life and family by trying to  keep her happy. c) there are often no perfect solutions, accept that, and just do your best. d) respect yourself, take care of your self and treat yourself well, love yourself and dont beat yourself up about this. I am happy to pass on my "assessment list" etc if anyone wants it. P.S having a good cry sometimes helps. X

try and understand what she is feeling.  how would you feel if you were in her situation. loneliness must be a terrible thing.  even at only 72, perhaps she is feeling that life is passing her by. my mum is nearly 90 and even though she doesn't complain, i know how lonely she is. i think when you have people around you all day, perhaps you just can't understand how it feels for her on her own.  what it must be like to wake up on your own in the morning and not have anyone to say good morning to you. when you are ill and there is no one around to be there for you.  i would do anything for my mum she is my life.  i live with her i am her youngest child out of 7 children, i am 52 years of age and i am having a hard time of it with bullying in work my mum is supporting me all the way, to feel her arms around me and reassuring me that it will be allright is wonderful.  mothers have allways been there for their children, so i do not think it is wrong when they need us.

no one can help their personality.  it must be hard for you, but can you imagine how hard it is for your mother. missing you and not having you near especially when she has dementia.  she is most probably scared.  try and understand what she must be going through.  only one mother you will have, to feel a mothers arms around you is wonderful.  after all they were allways there for you when you needed it.

Hi Diane - Unfortunately I can offer no advice - which doesn't help you I know at all.  I will come as no comfort what so ever to you to know that my mother is a total pain in the backside.  I live only a few miles from my mum and pass the bottom of her road going to and from work each day.  When I go to work I would quite happily pop in and say hello but it's just after 7 in the morning and although she tells me she is up all night and doesn't sleep - its not convenient for me to call.  It's difficult on the way home as I have dogs and if I don't get home as soon after 4 as possible - well you can imagine the mess in the house.  Yet she thinks it is unreasonable of me not to go back to see her after walking the dogs.  I would add that I go around most Saturdays and every Sunday and try to take her out on a Sunday whenever possible.  My elder sister takes her shopping every Saturday and again trys to take her out on a Sunday whenever she can.  My Brother in Law pops in most days in the afternoon - but still she moans that she doesnt see anybody and nobody cares.  We get the mobile hairdresser in once a week and a family friend spends the day there aswell - but hey she says she never sees a sole .  Sometimes I think it would be easier not to live so close.  We constantly get phone calls with her in a panic state that we have to drop everything and go running.  We lost Dad in January this year and he was the most fabulous person ever - never complained about his illness at all - infact it was him that used to run around for her all the time.  I do appreciate that she is lonely, living in the house without him but she again doesnt do anything to help herself - we've suggested voluntary work, attending day groups, offer to take her out - but oh no no no she is far too ill for that. She has been prescribed oxygen at home but we have sussed her out on that one as when she sees us coming up the path - she switches on the machine - it takes 2 minutes to stop buzzing and guess what - its always still buzzing when we get in the house - and its not a long pathway to walk up.  She switches it on for effect.  We have an elder brother - who does nothing at all to help.  He is a retired (not of retirement age I would add) civil servent - only lives 20 minutes up the road and he never ever calls or offers to help in anyway and mum thinks the sun shines out of his backside - we refer to him as "golden ba--s" you can guess the missing letters.  My mother, despite having the odd chest infection (which probably half of the UK have at this time of year) is fit and well.  She is desperate to be ill - or to be tagged as being ill anyway.  She moans that she doesnt eat, so I used to plate up dinners and take them - It was sole destroying putting them in the bin at the weekend, we arranged for a company to deliver frozen foods, which are too rich for her to eat and leave her requiring the toilet constantly - so she says.  So she sits and eats cakes and biscuits and anything suggary possibly in the hope that she will get high sugar and be classed as diabetic.  This sounds awful of me I know - but really I do my best for my mum.  I used to dream of having a loving mother and having that mother daughter bond. I will be 40 next month and I can honestly say I have never heard my mother tell me that she loves me.  My mother doesnt suffer from mild dimentia - she knows exactly what she is doing.  I will however still do the things I do for her (albeit under stress) but suppose thats my role - just wish she would just acknowledge what we all do and not take my sister, my bother in law and me and my partner for granted....I empathise with all my heart with you and your new Husband.  Fingers crossed that things will get better x

Hello youngest daughter

You poor girl! Your mother sounds horrendous, sorry to say so.  How old is she, for heaven's sake? Women like that get my goat.  My main reaction if I hear of a woman of that sort is that she needs something real and concrete to worry about, then she'd maybe get her priorities into the right order, rather like I've had over the last few weeks - my husband desperately-ill in hospital and only now beginning to re-mobilise and recover, I thought I was looking at a second widowhood and it was my worst nightmare.

My husband has been a diabetic since 1981, insulin-using since 1996, and it's not something he would wish on anyone, so he certainly wouldn't comprehend why your mother 'wants' to be diabetic! It has affected him in all sorts of ways great or small, even with the tight control that he maintains for himself.  At the time when I called out the paramedics in the middle of the night he was in danger of slipping into a hyperglycaemic coma because of a rip-roaring infection in a knee joint.  Being diabetic makes you susceptible to all kinds of things, a minor chest infection will be the least of her worries, believe me.

Sounds as if your mother was one of these 'dependent' women who, over a long marriage, allowed herself to become 'child-like' and leave it all to her husband.  Some of them never drove a car, never dealt with finances, and people are even surprised, when they look at me, that I do all those things as a matter of course.  'You're so strong and so competent' I've had said to me.  Well, I've had little choice to be otherwise. It's also been said that I'm too hard and 'not understanding enough', don't appreciate how most older people live etc etc.  Well, so be it.  I don't see any other way to live than to get off your a*se and face the world, do things for yourself, make your own life, you can't expect anyone else to do it for you.

I live at least 150 miles from the nearest family members, my stepdaughter is the closest, most of the others are at least 250 miles away.  I'm grateful to my stepdaughter in this most recent crisis - she has really been like a daughter to me, as concerned for me as she has been for her Dad, God bless her.

You have my sympathy! 

Hi Margaret Clare and thank you for taking the time to respond to my rant... you quite obviously have much better things to do ie taking care of your hubby so its much appreciated your reply.  Its not sympathy that I want from anyone (although its always nice to receive) - sometimes I just want to shout out "WHY IS MY MOTHER SUCH A COW".  Yesterday I rushed from work, went to the Doctors to pick up a prescription (only for antibiotics), waited 45 minutes at the chemist, took these to her house, sat and chatted (would add that she never even said thank you).  The last thing I said to her last night was make sure you take your tablets (as she has a habit of "forgetting on purpose" to take tablets). Rang her this morning,asked her about taking her tablets and she said she was just going to take them - she hadnt bothered last night.  Why oh why did I have to leave work early to get to the doctors, to wait for the prescription, to take them to her house - when the chemist would have delivered them this morning to her!  My sister also went around to see her last night and she rang me later on - both upset and angry - mother had told her that she was going to make our lives a misery - she actually told my elder sister that!  She has always had a nasty nasty tongue in her head.  This year for Christmas we had planned to go around to my sisters for lunch as last year everyone (including Dad who made such an effort to make sure everyone had a fabulous time) came to my house.  My mother has always spoilt christmas for as long as I remember - it was only last year that was lovely!  She has now said that we are planning to leave her out of everything which is complete nonsense and she is saying...how can she enjoy Christmas without Dad..load of *** really as she never loved him.  The day after he passed away, I went to the photo shop and got some photos enlarged from Christmas Day and put them in frames - one each.  To this day she hasnt stood one of them up - yeh right she misses him - not one photo in the house of him. Dad went into hospital the day before new years eve, mother went into hospital with some type of chest infection on new years eve.  Same hospital I would add.  Never once did she phone him or visit him.  It was only when the Doctors told us he was nearing passing that we went to fetch her, imagine loosing your dad and having to go and fetch your mother in a wheel chair to see him before he passed away.  The worst of it is that..he asked her how she was and she was just about to tell him how "poorly" she was when I butted in and said that she was fine.  My Dad was a diabetic, had a pacemaker, terminal cancer - you name it he had it - I never heard him complain and the memories I have of him are fabulous - after he passed away- the intensive care nurse who had sat with us for the last 8 hours said that he had never met a gentleman quite like our Dad.  20 minutes before he passed away he was still telling jokes - I have comfort that he is now free from my mother, I just sincerely wish that she would grow up and realise what she has - Us.  I dont know whether the way she has treated us has any bearing on this but neither my sister or myself have children - apart from her - she is one problem child.  Thanks again for taking your time to read this.  We have a memorial bench for my Dad in Skegness in the sunken gardens next to Natureland - if you ever visit the area - say hello - he was lovely x

I am so sorry.  Your mother didn't even want to visit her husband in his last illness - well, that is something I just can't comprehend.  I was phoned in the middle of the night when my husband was being transferred from the surgical ward to Critical Care - I wasn't very familiar with driving the automatic car, always used to driving ones with gears, but I just threw some clothes on, got in it and drove.  In the last 3 weeks my whole life has revolved around hospital visiting times, the hassle of trying to get into the car park (inadequate spaces especially when everyone wants to be there at the same time, clinics plus afternoon visiting). Our time together is so precious and we're never uninterrupted.  I take him ice-cubes which he keeps in a wide-necked thermos, I make him fruit salads, that's when I don't buy them in Waitrose.  I've had work done at home - our shower enclosure remodelled to make it easier for him to get into, a new loo.  I've ordered new chairs which are easier to get in and out of.  I'm having the house thoroughly cleaned by Molly Maids www.mollymaid.co.uk next week because I can't do it, have no time anyway, never been a housewife (!) and I don't want any risk of repeat infection.  Why am I doing all this? Because I love the man, that's why. We were both lonely people when we got together 11 years ago, I was struggling with poverty and widowhood, doing all kinds of menial jobs to survive, he was at the end of a disastrous marriage.  Your mother doesn't know she's born.  I have absolutely no sympathy for her.  She is driving everyone away by her attitude.  How old did you say she is?

HI again, my mum will soon be 72 - but she has been like this for as long as I can remember!  You sound wonderful and I am sure your husband appreciates every thing you are doing for him.  Well done you!  I know how tiring it is going backwards and forwards to the hospital and all the other things in between but when someone is pleased to see you it makes all the difference.  A smile and a kiss is worth a million thank yous in my opinion.  Thank you again for reading and replying and I truely believe that your hubby pulls through as he knows he has someone wonderful to share his life with!  Good luck and Good Health to you both!  It restores my faith in human nature when there are people like you around. x x.

Thank you for the kind words.  My husband and I are both 73, he'll be 74 at the end of the year.  It's just 11 years ago this evening when he stood on my doorstep in the rain having run away from a wife who sounded pretty much like your mother!!! I had asked him to move in with me 'if it got really unbearable' and I couldn't believe I heard myself say that - as the words left my mouth 'I thought 'but I'm a respectable widow, that's what the young folks say'! We have never regretted it.

I am afraid you will never change your mother.  Why any woman should be like she is, only God her Maker knows.  It's certainly not something that is inevitable with advancing years.  People are as they are.  I remember my godmother, who died in her 90th year, and she was quite the opposite of your mother.  She was always pleased to see people, she always thanked us every time we went to see her, the very last thing I was able to do for her was to arrange a chaplain's visit when she was in hospital, and she thanked us.  She died the following day, with a smile on her face, at peace with everything and everybody.

Must get going - man coming to lay my new bathroom floor at 9 am.

With very best wishes to you.

Hi again (sorry didnt respond earlier) 73...Wow! You two enjoy yourselves - they say the best things in life are worth waiting for and in your case I think thats true!  Hope the bathroom floor looks great...regards to you both for the future.  Live every minute to the full - keep a smile on your face - it makes people wonder what you are up to - ha ha ha.  Take care - with love..Jilly xx