HELLO, I HAVE A COMPLICATED SITUATION. MY OLDER COUSIN IS QUITE YOUNG, NOT YET 65. HE HAS RECENTLY HAD HIP REPLACEMENT SURGERY BUT HAS BEEN IMMOBILE AND IN PAIN FOR A FEW YEARS. THE OTHER HIP IS SO BAD IT HAS FUSED AND STILL NEEDS SURGERY. HE LIVES APPROX 70 MILES FROM ME AND ALTHOUGH I GO OFTEN AND DO WHAT I CAN, I AM MADE TO FEEL UNWELCOME (BEHIND HIS BACK) BY THE COUPLE WHO RENT A FLAT NEXT DOOR.  THEY HAVE BEEN ON THE SCENE NOW FOR 2/3 YEARS.  MY COUSINS WIFE DIED APPROX 8 YRS AGO AND HIS ONLY SISTER DIED LAST YEAR. HE HAS NO CHILDREN.  THE REST OF THE FAMILY, QUITE A FEW OF US, WERE ALL VERY CLOSE WITH HIM BUT CONTACT IS DWINDLING UNDER THESE DIFFICULT CIRCUMSTANCES AS IT IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO MAKE HIM BELIEVE THERE IS A PROBLEM. HE HAS ALMOST LOST CONTACT WITH HIS OTHER FRIENDS.HE GETS VERY ANGRY AND UPSET AT THE SUGGESTION THAT HE SHOULD BECOME A BIT INDEPENDANT AND BREAK AWAY FROM THEIR INFLUENCE. HE IS TRULY UNDER THEIR POWER. HE HAS A SMALL SUM OF MONEY FROM HIS LATE SISTERS WILL AND HIS OWN FLAT IS PAID FOR NOW WITH NO MORTGAGE TO PAY.  IT IS CLEAR THAT IT IS THEIR INTENTION TO BENEFIT SOMEHOW, EITHER BY HAVING A BENEFACTOR TO CONTINUE TO SUBSIDISE THEIR LIFESTYLE OR EVEN TO BENEFIT FROM A WILL IN THE LONG RUN. THESE PEOPLE HAVE COMPLETELY TAKEN OVER AS HIS UNWARRANTED CARERS, THEY COOK, CLEAN AND SHOP FOR HIM. HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE LEARNING HOW TO NEGOTIATE STAIRS AND WALK WITH HIS NEW HIP IN PREPERATION FOR HIS NEXT OP. HE COULD BE EASILY SELF CARING AND THAT IS THE OPINION OF HIS DOCTORS AND THE HOSPITAL STAFF AND OUR OPINION TOO. THEY PRE-EMPT HIS MOVES IN EVERY WAY TO MAKE HIM DEPENDANT ON THEM. EVEN SINCE HIS HIP OP THEY HAVE STEPPED UP THEIR PLAN SO HE HAS DONE VIRTUALLY NOTHING FOR HIMSELF AND HAS NOT VENTURED OUTSIDE, THEY CONSTANTLY DRUM INTO HIM HOW IMPORTANT IT IS FOR HIM TO SIT DOWN AND RELAX AND LET THEM DO IT ALL. THEY TELL HIM HE IS MORE IMPORTANT TO HIM THAN THEIR OWN FAMILY AND THEY LOVE HIM DEARLY, HE BELIEVES HE IS A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF THEIR LIVES. .HE HAS NOW COME TO BELIEVE ALL THEY SAY AND HAS STARTED TO PUT ME OFF DOING WHAT LITTLE TO HELP I CAN. HE BELIEVES THEY KNOW BEST IN EVERYTHING. HE CAN'T IMAGINE THAT ALL THIS IS DONE FOR ANY REASON RATHER THAN THE GOODNESS OF THEIR HEARTS AND LOVE. THEY HAVE 24 HR ACCESS TO HIS FLAT WITH KEYS, DO ALL HIS SHOPPING WHICH MAINLY CONSISTS OF BEER AND CIGARETTES. THEY CONTINUALLY HAND HIM OPEN BOTTLES OF BEER AND PASS HIM CIGARETTES (TAKEN FROM THE BOX)THROUGHOUT THE AFTERNOONS AND EVENINGS. THEY SPEND ALL THEIR TIME IN THE FLAT SMOKING AND DRINKING, USUALLY AT HIS EXPENSE. THEY TREATED HIM TO A BEER FRIDGE LAST CHRISTMAS SO HE CAN PAY TO KEEP IT STOCKED.  THEY COOK AND BRING THE FOOD TO HIM, IT IS USUALLY SOMETHING IN A POT WITH FAT FLOATING ON TOP, OR SAUSAGES, BACON ETC.HE IS BEING TREATED FOR HIGH CHOLESTEROL, HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE AND THE HOSPITAL STAFF WERE VERY CONCERNED ABOUT HIS BLOOD RESULTS AND SMOKING. WE ARE AT A LOSS AND BELIEVE IF WE TRY TO INTERVENE WE WILL NOT WANT TO SEE US AGAIN.

HAS ANYBODY ELSE SEEN THIS BEFORE, OR ANYTHING REMOTELY LIKE IT, HOW DID IT END?

Hi Suse

I do feel for you as we are in a similar situation as you. (See my previous message about what to do about mother).

It seems that if an elderly person agrees to a situation no matter how bad the decision then no one will intervene. In effect my mother has given away all our dad's hard earned life time of work to a person who has taken complete advantage of her having dementia. She is now in the position that she doesn't even know whether she has eaten or not or remembers that we (her 5 children) have visited. The man she has allowed into her life has taken control over all her money, her house, changed her GP, and bank. He has got her to change her will. He has got her to sell her house and buy another miles away from any of us. If you talk to her she will say she is happy. We are waiting for the inevitable time bomb to go off when this chap dies (he seems to be more frail than she) and leave all her money to his family. She will need 24hour care and will have no money to pay for it. If your relative tells you and therefore anyone else that he is happy with his current arrangement then there isn't anything you can do other that as we are keeping in touch just in case there is an emergency.

Our mother took ill and the neighbours called us. We found her in pain filthy dirty without so much as a dressing gown to go to hospital with. She was terrified to leave the house incase we put her in a home - clearly this is what he tells her to shut her up.She did make a good recovery and is now well after we all rallied round to get her what she needed. Don't get old. It is so so sad.

Hello Lesley, you are in such a terrible situation there, I completely sympathise with you and the family. When you found your Mum in the poor state you described, would you not have been able to contact social services about it as a neglect case? It would put the blame on him, neglect of that type is serious abuse. I know your Mum wouldn't have wanted that to happen, but it would have bought the situation out into the open.

If your Mum is classified as having dimentia (horrible word), you could contest any will she may have made during that time with him as he would be seen to have taken advantage of the situation. Perhaps your Mums neighbours would back you, as they saw his neglect first hand. Report it to your Mums GP and yours too, get it on file..

Would your Mum consider a little holiday with you at your house? It might open her horizons a bit and perhaps she might understand a little that she is safer and cared for by family more than she is with him.

Have you tried talking to your GP, or a professional about this? There must be something you can do to get your Mum back.

I don't know what we can do about our situation, our relative is not interested in making any changes, he has fallen for their trickery completely and feels like the sun shines from their nether regions. Although he has been an easy target for them after the loss of his wife and sister, he IS of 'sound mind' and therefore its his choice. They have cleverley worked on him for some time and are not prepared to have it spoiled by his family.

It breaks our hearts, so I cant imagine how you must be feeling.

THINKING OF YOU , SUSE.

Hi Suse

Good to hear from you and to know that you are thinking of us as we are of you and your situation. The elderly are so vulnerable and really this situation we both find ourselves in is a clear warning to anyone to get their  affairs put in order before old age and in some cases a decline in logical thought deminishes. To answer your questions, yes, we did all of those things you suggested. Apparently the GP had visited and found my mother stating quite clearly she did not wish to leave her house. She wore a corsett which we later discovered had not been removed for ages and which prevented a proper examination. My sister found her in pain and vomiting. My sister called the emergency services and persuaded her to go to hospital otherwise they would not have taken her!  We informed the GP after she was admitted. She had colycistitis with liver involvment. She was treated with good effect. I believe my sister made a mistake by taking her home. She was confused but begged to go home and the hospital told her she could go so my sister took her home in her car. I think with hindsight it would have been better for the hospital to manage her discharge with the GP's practise nurse. We contacted social services who arranged for two carers to go in for half an hour a day at the cost of £5 per day. My mother refused to engage with them so they withdrew their services. She believes she can't afford them which should not be true. A neighbour who lives nearby goes in to do the cleaning for £10 per session so we know the house is clean and she is warn and dry. She has no autonomy and as far as a holiday - she won't even go with my sister for a day's shopping. She doesn't have any money in her purse anyway. her short term memory is shot anyway so that anything you agree with her is soon forgotten and it would only take a word from him and she wouldn't leave. We have tried that and it caused such an upset with people shouting and my mother in tears. It is the dimentia as she would not behave in such as way otherwise. Yes we probably can contest the will when he dies - but at what cost! So, we wait, maintain the phone calls and the visits and wait for the next emergancy. I expect you must do the same. Thinking of you too. Lesley