My mother in law is now 91 and lives at home in a bungalow a few miles from us, she is fiercely independent, and has friends coming in fairly often.  She has always said that she does not want to 'go into a home'. She rarely leaves the house and a neighbour does her shopping at the small supermarket nearby.  She is becoming more frail, and has complained of dizzy spells, but will not wear the alarm that she has.
We visit regularly, and make sure that she has everything that she needs, providing her with cash, etc.  She pays cheques for the milk bill, but gets the milkman to write the cheque which she signs (yes, I know !!!)
Over the last month or two it has become clear that she cannot hold an idea in her head for very long, she forgets what she is doing, or what she has just said.  She becomes very confused about things.
She gets quite defensive if we try to find out what is going on, and for complicated reasons we have abandoned trying to help her sort out her financial affairs at the moment.
We have just found a relatively small value cheque that has had 'payment refused' stamped on it and returned - she has no idea why she has it, or why it was refused.
It is now obvious that whatever she wants we have got to take a much greater hand in her affairs.  However, what can we do?  We can't ring the bank to find out why her cheque was refused, and we were told by Social Services a while back that without her agreement there was very little that they would be able to do to help.
We have a complicated situation ourselves, which means that it is impossible for her to come and live with us - which she would not want to do anyway, as it would take her away from her local friends.
Where do I start to go to look for help?

In a similar situation. Age Concern have a book I found very helpful sorting out in my own head what I could  & could not do to help someone who does not necessarily agree with me about what needs doing. It also has a lot of practical info. The book  is "Caring for Someone at a Distance by Julie Spencer-Cingoz. You can get it from Amazon or see more details about it on Amazon's website: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Caring-Someone-Distance-Carers-Handbook/dp/0862423678/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1245669594&sr=8-1

I also spoke to my Mum's GP about my concerns re her health & memory loss. The GP was able to persuade my mum to visit the local memory clinic for tests, & sort out better arrangemnts to help mum remember her medication etc..

Thanks, this is very helpful.  I'll check out the book and see what I can do about getting an appointment with her GP too.  What is concerning me is how quickly it seems to have happened, she has been getting slowly more forgetful for several years, but this has happened over only a few weeks, so I think it is time she had a visit from her doctor (although they don't like doing home visits).

We did have a surprise when my husband rang the bank this morning to ask in general terms about what might have happened with the cheque.  He was told that he can get a Third Party Mandate, which will allow him to talk to the bank about his Mum's account - so he's gone to get the forms today and get her to sign them.

That's good!

If you can persuade your mother in law to pay her utility bills by Direct Debit that will save you worrying that she will forget to pay to the point where something gets cut off. You might even be able to pay the milkman that way (ours will take a direct debit).

No advice, just a story.

He was living alone, quite comfortably, but started to fall.  Friends were being called at all hours of the day and night.  Then it became the emergency services.  We found a solution - his cleaner offered to stay with him for what, in terms of residential care fees, was a pittance.  This lasted for about a week - he didn't like her singing all the time; well, not all the time.  Another friend arrived and stayed for as long as was possible.  During that time, it was realised that he could no longer live on his own.  He moved into a care home - early April.  We would visit and he would tell us that he was surrounded by oldies.  I omitted to mention that he was 92!  We had animated conversations, but he was always asking us to take him out of the home.  Then one day a friend went to take him to the theatre and was shocked to find him having to be moved about in a wheel chair.  I went to see him shortly after this; he was brought from his room in a wheel chair but transfered himself into a lounge chair.  About a week later, a friend went to visit him.  This time he remained in the wheel chair.  He also told the friend that he was old but still asked to be taken away from the home!  Last Friday I went to see him but on arrival was told that he had been taken to hospital, on Wednesday, with suspected renal failure .  Expressing concern and surprise, this threw the home into a panic - they thought I was his nephew and that I hadn't been informed.  I allayed their discomfort.  From the home I returned to the office to inform my colleagues and went to the hospital.  I saw my friend, but he was asleep and I couldn't wake him.  A mutual friend visited Friday evening but couldn't get much sense from him.  She visited again on Saturday, this time managing a conversation.  On Sunday afternoon his "dad" [that's another story for another time] visited and had 1.5 hours of good conversation; then some other friends arrived, so his "dad" took his leave.  I went to visit him yesterday afternoon, but the sign on the ward door said, "Ward Closed, Do Not Visit."  There wasn't anybody immediately to hand to ask and I didn't try to find somebody.
This morning I had a call from my friend's nephew.  Very sadly Bruce died this morning.