...we really want to help my great auntie. she has recently suffered a couple of falls but is a very robust and intelligent woman and gets on with life. however, she is making my mum's life a misery through her continual complaining and carping. nothing is good enough, if things aren't quite right it's a disaster etc. does anyone know if there's any therapy she can receive which might help her to be less angry and to look at life in a more positive way? i'm almost more worried about my mum (who does her shopping and other general help) than I am about my aunt!

She sounds miserable and lonely, with nothing to focus on but herself and her lessening independancy.

There is no easy answer and once in that frame of mind, very difficult to get out of.

Your mum needs to change her behaviour to change auntie's, ie. not allow her to perpetuate her negativity.

The other thing would be to develop some interest which would give her something else to think about. I know this is not easy. For example, my dad is 83, very partially sighted, bitter with life and people but enjoys his computer and other digital media. Obviously there are counselling (talking) therapies which may relieve your mum's burden. Some local churches do a neighbourhood scheme for visiting the elderly. There are day centres / luncheon clubs but the activities aren't always what people enjoy.

Sigh!

Heaven help us, if we ever get to the point of still being intelligent but not having anything at all to focus on, fill our lives, make life worth living?  You say your aunt is angry - what's she angry about, in particular? I could get angry about the state of the country, things that are happening that I don't approve of but that I have no control over, but getting angry would solve nothing.  Bitterness only erodes the person who is bitter, it does nothing to solve the problems we see all around  us.
  
  You're right about church.  All the churches in our little town have a 'Women's Fellowship' - a cup of tea, a speaker, a couple of familiar hymns, that kind of thing.  I know people who go to all of them, a different one every day of the week.  It's just an informal get-together really.  I feel so sorry for all the elderly widows around, and there are many. 

   We also have a 'silver surfers' club which my husband goes to, he also goes into people's homes as a volunteer.  Again, the club meets once a month and there's a cup of tea or coffee, and a speaker.

   There are things to get interested in, but it all depends on what your aunt's interests are and what she likes doing.  I'm not sure that she actually needs 'therapy' to change her, although I can see that if she's focused on your mum to solve all her problems, that has to stop.

Thanks for both of your considered responses.

 

She seems to be angry and moany in an almost child-like way about anything that doesn’t go her way, and also about the state of the world! I suppose it’s hard to take because she was previously such a vital and ‘listening’ person whereas now, nothing is good enough and we’re all out to make her life difficult (neither of which is the case). She is also extremely bright and doesn’t deal well with being patronised or metaphorically ‘patted on the head’. But the barrage of whingeing that greets my mum is frankly intolerable at times! You are right about mum needing to stem the negativity at source but that takes energy and patience which mum sometimes does not have.

 

Her independence level is actually surprisingly good still: she is mobile and just has a carer visiting morning and evening for basic tasks. Her dexterity is getting more limited but she’s still pretty able. She will inevitably become more nervous in terms of leaving the house because of her falls.

 

She has a huge range of interests (reading, languages, art, travel, other cultures etc – she can do the times crossword in 15 mins…) but seems to have lost her appetite for it all.

 

We are a family of atheists (no disrespect to a religious way of life intended at all) and therefore she’s unlikely to go to a church. In fact, she’s not really into communal activities, except for the classes she used to do at our local adult college. Her preferred social time is probably spent in one to one conversations with people she finds interesting, or at an arthouse film, but as a family (only two of us in this country and both full time at work!) we can’t deliver enough on that front. I suppose I wondered whether there’s any kind of therapeutic service which visits people at home and does a bit of a ‘talking cure’ as well as e.g. some massage (she is open to complementary therapies as well.) She lives in LB Richmond in London.

 

We’ve tried really hard to get her into the web but surprisingly, she doesn’t seem to engage with it which is such a shame. It’s almost like she won’t engage with the web because then she wouldn’t be able to whinge about not being able to email her grandchildren!

 

Your further comments and ideas most welcome.

Hi niece
   I'm sorry I made the suggestion about church - obviously that was completely inappropriate!  Forget I ever said it.
   I can empathise with your great-aunt about 'not liking to be patronised' - me too! As intelligent independent people we tend to react badly to this, which - sadly - is how some people think it's appropriate to deal with older people.  We don't all  necessarily lose our marbles with time!
   I remember a man I used to know, an older chap who taught classical guitar.  He was so talented, I thought that anyone with a gift and an ability like his would never be at a loss - yet he came across with this 'life is meaningless, I need someone to give me back a purpose in life'  line of talk. As though he had no resources within himself, but your aunt  does seem to have the inner resources.  I am sorry, I don't know what the answer is!
   Best wishes

I used to help a lonely elderly lady in my city (she died recently). Not a relative, just an old acquaintance of my mother's. When I came to her place, she would drown me in an avalanche of little chores (a broken flash lamp to fix, a drawer to adjust, whatever). I knew all those little catastrophies were just pretexts to keep me longer, because she was desperate for companionship. And my time was a scarce resource.

 

I installed her a sort of intercom over which she could talk for free (phone charges were an issue) to her cousing living two stories below her - they were both too frail to climb either up or down. Miraculously, she managed to strike up a quarrel with that cousin too, even though the cousin is an extremely friendly person, and then the intercom would go into disuse for weeks on end.

 

But what I really couldn't stand was when she started complaining about her neighbours. Completely paranoid . Whatever happened to her was their fault, including poor radio reception and a defective faucet. As a consequence, the neighbours started ignoring her totally, and she had to rely on me (or my elderly mother) for any help she needed.

 

I became brutally assertive. When she was finding too many of those little things for me to do, or especially when she started whining about her neighbours, I would simply turn around and walk away.

 

And guess what, she got the message. When I left like that, she would thank me profusely for whatever I had had the time to do for her (mostly shopping) and bid me a very warm goodbye.

 

So perhaps your mother should start valuing her time and effort also. Make Auntie feel that she is being help at the expense of other people's leisure, if not other responsibilities.

 

All the best, Leszek.

 

thanks all for your replies. my aunt is now much more like her old self - animated, fun and crucially, not moaning. the only thing she still does is to say 'it's getting worse and worse' about anything from young people to heathrow airport...

i think her family (including me) had underestimated the emotional aftermath of the disorientating and traumatic experience she had of falling, being in hospital and rehab, and then returning home. the moaning phase was all 'poor me' but once she had been home long enough again, she relaxed back into 'i'm fine'. perhaps one just has to be patient. not a quality which runs in my family...

all the best to all here.

claire

Claire, one of the reasons why older people tend to fall is that their leg muscles have become weak.  Therefore, strengthen them by doing leg exercises while sitting in a chair - the kind of thing that is advocated for air travellers, simple things.  Also take Vitamin D and omega-3 supplements, and take advantage of every scrap of sunlight that comes through the windows.  Too many older people seem to sit with curtains drawn watching daytime TV - ooops, another stereotype, sorry! I'm sure your aunt is not like that!

I fell over in June and fractured my pelvis, was on crutches for about 8 weeks, fortunately wasn't admitted to hospital, so I know how falling over can damage your self-confidence.  Also my daughter fell over not long ago in her office, was very badly treated in A&E, 8 hours in there and required to stand on what turned out to be a fractured femur!  Grrrrr.....

I agree with your aunt about the extension of Heathrow, and there are a number of other issues I feel strongly about.  I could have an interesting discussion with her, I love talking with intelligent people who have something to say rather than the usual moan-moan, whinge-whinge, which I seem to hear all around me.

Best wishes

Yes, a fascinating discussion indeed.

I read about an older lady who started learning Russian because she wanted to read Pushkin in the original.  If I remember correctly, she then progressed to learning Greek.

   I'm tackling Latin and Anglo-Saxon - it will be easier once I get my proper reading-glasses later this week (need new reading-glasses since cataract surgery Sept/Oct).  This evening we're going to a mulled wine and mince pies evening at the local branch of the English Democrats Party of which I'm a member - yes, I still want to change the world! This Sunday my husband has been asked to read a prayer as part of the Family Carol Service (not appropriate to Auntie, but just an example of the sort of things that are available).  An atheist is not a pagan, but I do know people who worship the old gods, Odin and Thor etc, and they also have get-togethers. Pity atheists don't do similar!

My daughter is feeling a bit bereft, awaiting further surgery (she had total hip replacements aged 35 and now, aged 46 and following a fall, needs them doing all over again).  But she's consoling herself with ancient Greek, part of her part-time Classics degree, but I know she's feeling a bit miserable at the moment. She sits in her conservatory soaking up all the sunshine available surrounded by embroidery, Greek and her lap-top.

We recently joined the local leisure centre and a lot of older people go there.  All kinds of activities, swimming, yoga, gym, aerobics, you name it.  It's also a place to meet friends and stay fit.  We saw a group of people having a great laugh over coffee and 'see you next week' - they meet weekly to play badminton.

I can't go to swimming and gym at the moment because I'm still recovering from gynae surgery at the beginning of this month and before that, we had the cold/'flu type bug that has been going around.  Once we get to the New Year we'll be going back because we enjoy it so much.

   Richmond is such a lovely place - we went there back in the summer, to Richmond Park and then to find the grave of Captain George Vancouver.  It's also quite a wealthy borough so I'm sure there must be things going on.

  Best wishes, Margaret

Perhaps having a massage therapist visit would help.  The action of the massage reduces stress hormones and promotes relaxation hormones.  It would also relieve any pain your Aunt is in due to her fall, and the fact that the family have taken the trouble to arrange this for her would make her feel valued.  Some of the anger and complaining is due to her feeling frightened for the future as she has lost control over her life and she is subconsciously worried that the family are going to abandon her.  I am a Remedial Massage Therapist visiting residents in Nursing Homes and have found this to be a very good physical and mental therapy.

We had a fantastic 90th birthday for my auntie on 27th September: all the family came from around the world and gave speeches. We had a slide show of her amazing life. She was very much part of it, giving her own speech about American politics, the particle collider, the economy... The family were all still around when she had a severe stroke on October 1st. She was with us for a week before she then died, peacefully, in hospital. Through her final days she was still trying to speak to us and ask how Obama was doing in the polls! Isn't it incredible how somehow she just 'decided' when to go: when all her family was around her, when she'd had her 90th, when she'd heard a number of lovely tributes from the family about how she had contributed to their lives.

Thanks to all who gave their thoughts on this thread. She was much happier during her last year and lived independently during that time. My mum is now coming to terms with not having to worry about her any more!

All best

Claire

I'm glad your great-auntie had a wonderful 'final' birthday party and that she died peacefully without too much long-drawn-out suffering.

I admire her tremendously for her understanding of American politics!! To me it seems utterly incomprehensible and I haven't a clue what any of the candidates are all about.  I'm a member of one of the smaller newer political parties, the English Democrats, but it does seem to me that having 2 big political parties only, as they have in the USA, means that no one can get anywhere in politics unless they have access to huge, huge funds.  Which does not seem very democratic and obviously keeps out a lot of potentially-useful people.