My parents in law are both in their 80s and continue to live in thier own home supported by 24 hr carer. We live 100 miles away and my wife is very supportive spending every 2nd week- end with them when the carer changes over.

My father in law is wheelchair bound, suffers from incontinance and needs full time help with dressing and washing.Mother -n law is fairly mobile.

Both suffer from severe short term memory loss.

Problem now is that my father in law is now prone to "blue" face rages where he rails against everything and anything with totally inappropriate language to the degree that we are worried he is driving my mother in law to a nervous breakdown and possible death. In addition, he absolutely hates the medical profession.

They would both hate going into a home but we are at our wits end as the where this will all lead to. Any advice would be most welcome especially from someone who has been or is in the same situation.

Many thanks

 

Hi Peter,
I really sympathize with this situation. I have something vaguely similar, except that I am generally at the butt of my Mums irrational behaviour. I think we all think that we can 'mend' things when sometimes nobody could. I guess you have to ask, would your Mother in law be better off with her husband with her, 'warts and all' or better off separated one way or another? It sounds like he wouldn't want to be in a home or hospital given his dislike of the medical profession. That said have you both tried to explain to him that if he can't tone down his rages then he might have to go in a home. Given his dislike of these things it could make a difference. Sometimes a formal 'sit down' with perhaps the two of you may seem serious to him. After that you both have to decide that you've done all that you possibly can and let the situation be. My husband keeps giving me this advice about my Mum and I try and put it to use. What's the point of us all getting totally stressed out and our own marriages being consumed by the situation.
Can I ask, do you fine the 24 hour care works, are there several care staff on a rosta and is it cheaper than a residential home? -That will be useful for me.
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