My mum is going through a terrible time at the moment because her youngest daughter died on 28 August 2005, and she has still not been able to come to terms with her death. She has tried to cope but has found it very hard, suffering depression, and being unable to talk to the rest of the family about our sister. This has also left my dad feeling sad that he has been unble to help my mum cope.

I finally managed to get my mum to admit that she needed some help and perhaps needed bereavement counselling. However, after visiting her family doctor she was told that in our area (Redcar & Cleveland) bereavement counselling for those over 65 was very limited and she would either have to go on a waiting list (9 months) or talk about my sister's death in a group session.

My mum feels, as most mums would, that it should have been her who had died and not my sister. You don't expect to bury your children!

My parents have had quite a sad life in one way, they lost their eldest son to meningitis when he was 7 weeeks old in 1951, then their eldest grand-daughter died of meningitis in February 1996 (they both felt responsible for this), and they have now lost their youngest daughter (who would have been 50 this year). However, they have also had a good life; they have had four children who love them very much; they have had 4 grand-daughters and 2 great grand-daughters, a lovely home, a close and loving family, and they still have their health (2 hips and a knee joint between themso far!).

I feel that, looking at the picture as a whole, older people are being discriminated against, it looks like you are not allowed to be sad/depressed/need counselling after the death of a child if that child is over 21 or if you as parents are over 65.

Is there anyone who can help, or give me some advice as to how I can help my mum come to terms with her grief?

Hi Jackie

I think being discriminated against/not allowed to be sad etc is the wrong way to look at it.  I do understand how your mum feels.  My younger daughter died very suddenly and unexpectedly on 30th December 2005.  She'd just had her 39th birthday and was 6 weeks into the 'job of her dreams' after a lot of hard work, disappointment and financial hardship - her husband was made redundant following 9/11 and I don't know what they lived on that year, certainly they couldn't afford the petrol to come to our wedding in January 2002.  I also have the guilt feelings - should I/could I have done more, I knew she had high blood-pressure but didn't want to frighten her, I knew the kind of things that could happen.  What I didn't know was WHY her blood-pressure was so high in a young healthy woman who didn't smoke and wasn't pregnant?  It was only discovered on post-mortem that she had a congenital heart defect.  None of the health professionals asked that question WHY - if they had, she could have had a stent put into that narrowed part of the aorta and she could have lived a long and happy life.

The person I feel sorriest for is her widower.  He's there among all her things, her embroidered pictures on the walls, all the things they put into a home for both of them.  She just dropped dead at his feet in their kitchen and he has to see it every day.  What pictures he must have in his head, poor guy.

How we try to deal with it (that's her stepfather and I, he loved her as if she'd been one of his own, they were on the same wavelength from day one) - is to carry on with the kind of things she was so interested in, was so passionate about.  The environment, the natural world, 'green' issues.  I give a small prize annually to the college she attended 2001-2002, it's a memorial prize in her name, for the 'most environmentally-aware female student of the year'.  It has been a pleasure to go there every year and to meet these young women, every one of whom would have loved to meet her because they would have had so much in common.  We also planted an oak tree in her memory in the college grounds - it's a former country estate that became an agricultural college now part of a university, and her former tutors, her sister and niece, as well as her stepfather and me, all took part in the tree-planting.  I remembered her talking about the late Geoff Hamilton, one of her gurus! and she quoted what he said about wanting to be remembered as an oak-tree.

You can of course get counselling by paying for private sessions.  The NHS can only do so much!  We also have a good life - we wake up every morning and give thanks for seeing another sunrise.  Yes, it's true you don't expect to bury your children, but the fact remains, many people do, and somehow you have to carry on.  It's also worth remembering that grieving is normal, we all lose people and everyone will have their own ways of coming to terms with it.  None of us knows what will happen from one day to the next or one moment to the next!

People have said to me 'It would destroy me if one of mine died'.  Well, she wouldn't have wanted me to be destroyed, that's all I can say.  Hope this helps a bit, and believe me, I do understand.  

Oooops.  I should have said: 30th December 2002, NOT 2005!

This date is particularly relevant for us.  It's my husband's birthday and also my eldest granddaughter's birthday.  How am I supposed to celebrate their birthdays while recalling my daughter's death?

With sympathy to your Mum, Jackie.

Dear Jackie

This is very sad. Is your mum doing any better now...as it a few months since your posting?

There is very little mental health funding for some reason. I have had to pay to go independently to my 'councillor'...spelling incorrect there i think!!

£50.00 per session, waiting for an assessment then a NHS counsellor would take an age. Just when you need immediate help.

Your parents have both had alot of greiving in their lives, and sometimes I suppose looking for the positive is not easy!!

I wonder why your mum can not talk about the loss of their daughter to other family members?? They need to and it would be healthy to.

My only sister died at the end of July this year, she was 41, from Bowel Cancer. My mum is very sad. I am 38.and still recieving treatment for brest cancer.

I thimk we just learn to adjust our lives, we can never forget those that have gone. but we have to continue to live and give to those who are still here. It was very sudden and that, I always think, is the hardest of all to cope with.

Would a memorial service or something like that help.?

Best wishes

becks